I see the strength I need,
It is easily within my reach,
But my arms feel like lead,
Heavy and dragged down,
Unable to move towards
Motivation and getting out
Of the ditch I’ve been entrapped by;
Success is literally at my fingertips,
If only I could make a fist
And climb out of the ditch
To reach the goals I need to reach.
I lie weak and numb as the darkness
Grows and deepens with hatred,
Dark shadows lick at my wounds,
Blood trickling down my skin.
I wait for the pain to end
And wait for the darkness to disappear
And for light to shine once more.
I wait for there to be a reason to breathe,
For a reason to feel again
Rather than wasting away as a numb
And empty shell of the human I once was.
It is not easy to walk in darkness,
Wandering the gray grass fields,
Waiting for there to be any light
Or waiting for the embrace of night
To at least feel the cold.
There is no light shining in my eyes,
There is no warmth in my heart,
And my skin feels numb and weak.
No pain makes me feel,
No food gives me warmth or fill,
No person brings me life again,
A hollow smile to fill a broken face,
A veneer placed to fool the world
That life is normal with no troubles,
To let the world believe that functions flow
Despite the cogs being stuck for ages.
Unable to feel and unable to love,
Yearning to do so hurts more
Than the knife against the skin.
Emptiness,
Lost emotions that do not exist.
Existence is meaningless within emotion.
Living life disconnected from society
Due to the inability to laugh with someone,
To cry tears with someone,
Incapable of sharing love.
First was the wish to feel,
Then it was just the wish to connect,
Lastly, I just wanted a friend to have
And realize what it meant to connect.
Thousands of needles used,
Countless uses of heroin injected,
Looking for any escape,
A way to hide the pain,
Looking for an outlet
To seek a euphoric exit
From this hellish life.
Needles injected deep in the skin,
Flowing into my cold blood,
Sapping away what remains
Of my meaningless existence.
“Just be happy!”
You don’t think I have tried?
It is easy to put on a smile,
Pretend to accommodate your wishes,
But God forbid I have issues
That requires time and attention,
Issues that leave me crippled and weak.
But I put on a smile to appease you,
Since your privilege matters more
And broken machines are worthless
In the eyes of the judgmental.
Darkness follows my every step,
Cloak of ice enveloping me,
The cold reaching deep into my bones,
The only warmth I ever feel.
Not even the needle makes me feel
Warmth or joy, no drink alleviates
The consuming pain of emptiness.
I crave the sweet embrace of Death,
But life is never that easy.
